Realization and loss

I’ve been thinking for a while about something that has been bothering me. Finally I decide to write it down and share at least in general terms here with you all. :)

A few months ago around my birthday I realized that I hadn’t heard from a good friend of mine for a few months. We usually don’t go that long without speaking. In a month we speak almost weekly sometimes just a quick call to say hello and how are you and I’m thinking of you. It was during the summer and I had my family visiting so I got busy and hadn’t know I hadn’t spoken with them in a while. It wasn’t until my birthday and my friend didn’t call that I thought something might be wrong but I dismissed it. Some years my friend would not call on my birthday but call a few days later and I would tease her about forgetting and we would laugh about it. :) After not hearing from her I thought that was the reason then when more time passed and nothing I really got worried. That is when I reached out and tried to contact her. All my forms of communication with her netted nothing. You see although I had her email we usually spoke on the phone (work, cell and home) but nothing I called or including email got a reply. Then finally I knew she had a facebook page and went there. We never communicated via facebook since I enjoy the voice to voice or face to face communication with my friends when I can. It was on her facebook I saw that she passed away. Months earlier and I had not know. I was wreaked and gutted that I didn’t know that my close friend was gone and had to learn it from her facebook page. I knew her family and they knew me but seems like no one knew how to get in touch with me and assumed I would be on her facebook which I wasn’t. The other thing that brought me to my knees and wailing was my friend lived in another state and they brought her home close to New York to bury her but since I didn’t know I didn’t get to pay my last respects. I was so devastated by the loss then missing that last rite for her. My friend I loved and shared so much with. We’ve know each for over 15 years and met at work. Then we actually became close friends outside the job and clicked on a level that is so rare. (I only have a few friends like that) We still stayed friends through so many changes in our lives like job changes and her moving to a new state. Through the good, bad, ugly and my almost dying and she was there. She came to see me whenever she came to NY and I kept planning to go see her. in Texas but didn’t get a chance too. I planned to take her where I was born—St. Thomas—to show her the beauty of where I grew up. I planned to take her to RT Convention with me along with another friend of mine then have these two friends I care about so deeply meet. We planned to take some trips together to just have fun. Now I won’t get to do any of that and I’m saddened and angry at myself for not getting too.

Although it has been months since I learned this I have so many moments come up when I experienced or was doing something and I would think I need to call her then realize I can’t she is gone. GONE. Her loss has made me evaluate my friendships and that is where my realization has come in. For a while I have been cutting or changing my relationships with people I call friends. I realized although I had there were still a few who were not true friends and it saddened me. So I’m doing things about it getting those who take, take and say hurtful things without even knowing or caring they do.

This post has come up because yesterday I had one of those so called friends that I trust and thought better of who did as I mentioned above. This lead me to thinking of the last long while and little things that they have done. This made me realize I needed to change and step back from that person. Which I as of yesterday will do. They probably won’t notice or if they do care but I know for me it is necessary.

As for my friends who are true I plan to keep them close and cherish them. Friendships is precious and should bring joy to you not negativity. I’m going to RT Convention this year with one of my best friends. She is my confidant and one of those who are true. We have that rare connection that I get with those friends I call true friends. When we go we have a great ole time. I also get to see other friends who I only see rarely but talk to via email and other ways. This year when I am at RT Convention I will have fun but be thinking of my friend who I loss and that she isn’t there with me. I plan to have a drink in her honor and maybe shed a tear or two but I know she will be there in spirit having a great ole time with us.

After writing this I now feel so much better. I needed to write what I was thinking out. And I thank you for listening. :)